Crazy kids with cars!

Earlier this week while we were at wal-mart Jacob decided that he needed to buy Caleb a new toy. I get this impulse and the reasoning behind it, so off we marched to the toys, despite the fact that Caleb has more toys than he knows what to do with. After much deliberation on Jacob's part we ended up with a remote control car, a purple charger to be exact, and Caleb is in love with it. He has played with it so much that the batteries had finally died and he brought it to his daddy to put new ones in it. Oh my, has he had fun this evening, and not just Caleb either. Jacob and Caleb played with that car in the kitchen and Caleb was cracking up! He would try to run over Jacob with it and ran into walls, tables, chairs, and pretty much anything in his way. It was so nice to see them having so much fun together! I'm going to miss this when Jacob leaves, but its only for a little while this time and we will make it! All in all this has been a wonderful evening with some great family time. What more could a wife and mother ask for?

See, another post! Aren't you all proud?! I'll write again later. Probably not tomorrow, but almost certainly the day after. May you all be blessed!

Soooo.... I've been neglecting....

Yes, I have been naughty! It has been ages since I posted. I've been both slothful and neglectful. I intend to do better from here on out. Note the intend part of that last sentence. I am leaving myself room for sickness, extenuation circumstances, and small bouts of sloth. Still, I will do my best to post more frequently and stop wasting good cyberspace.
So much has happened since I last posted. This deployment is WELL over half way over and we are coming to the end of Jacob's leave as I type. We still have a several days left, but of course, its never enough. Still, its like a balm to my soul just to be in his presence. I've been without him for seven months, I can do three more, especially now that I've gotten to spend some time with him. We've not really done anything that exciting, but just hanging out with him is enough. Sitting here at the computer while he watches yet another program on The History Channel and has a beer. It is truly wonderful! I dread going back the the airport and leaving him there. Again, I have gone seven months without him so another three months I can handle.
I will state again that I will do my best from here on out to post more frequently. I apologize for not posting in so long! May God bless you all!

Army wives!

I have a friend on facebook who posted this poem a little while ago and I have gotten her permission to post this and share it with you. She really captured the spirit of what being an army wife is like. I hope you all enjoy Jennifer's creativity and talent as much as I have!

We have a common bond, it's as tight as you can get,
We share our secret pain,without it we'd never met.

We started this so lonely,but now we can see the light,
The daily fear and anger,is now going to get a fight.

We seem so weak and lonely, this you can plainly see,
but now I have my friends, to be all that we can be.

We had no lengthy training, no rank is on our chest,
but we are also warriors, learning to become the best.

We carry the weight of family, as a wife and a mother,
not knowing how we do it, just one foot in front of the other.

One day I may be crying,an endless stream of tears,
but my friends are right there waiting, knowing all my fears.

My day will soon be over,its time to stand so tall,
for when I turn the corner, I will catch you when you fall.

This black cloud that hangs above us, will surely make its rounds,
but when my day is sunny, you can pass the saddened crown.

It's a year of tears and laughter, but most only fear,
that nightmare that has formed us, reality is always near.

No matter what the problem, we can always tell,
that someone is right there waiting, sharing my living hell.

Even when its over, and the men have all come home,
We will forever have been bonded, where ever we may roam.

God has brought us together, by a war we have to fight,
but the love and strength we have, will conquer through the night.

I Love You Girls!
There's Army Strong, then there is Army Wife Strong!

Chalouxs Girl

Isn't that fabulous?

Just another day, and yet...

I find myself missing my sweetheart more today than most days. I miss him all of the time, but today I find myself barely able to contain it. Fortunately I will be with company tonight so that will help.
In other news, I have talked to Jacob on the phone twice in that past 24 hours, so that was really nice. Maybe he sensed my special need to hear his voice. I know I hear from him every day online, but it just isn't the same.
You will also notice that I have now put a playlist on this blog as well. It has needed some of personality here I think. My words aren't enough. lol! A little disclaimer to some of you who are unaware... this is a completely different type of playlist than the one on my other blog. It is much more universally friendly, while this one may have somethings a lot of you either don't like or think is just weird. I have stated for years that my taste is insanely varied and eclectic! You are just getting a taste of that. A very, very small taste.
I know that I haven't said much today, but I just haven't much to say. Nothing much is happening except my missing Jacob. That is all for now! As always keep our soldiers and their families in your prayers!

Pint sized heartbreak.

As most of you know I have a little boy who will soon be three. It is hard to explain to him sometimes that every time we talk about daddy, that doesn't necessarily mean we are going to see him. This is actually getting harder rather than easier like I thought that it would. We have had vacation bible school at my church this week and my sweet little man has had a blast! There is a separate part set up for the teens and they do their own thing. Age appropriate classes and topics that concern the young teen of today. Well, tonight they had a guest speaker who is about to go to Afghanistan and apparently their outreach segment included making up boxes to send to my hubby. I have no idea what goes on in this class most of the time because I am busy trying to help the younger children master the craft of the day and drive home the message of the night to them. I usually don't make it to the closing part of the night where they do the invitation and recap the night's lessons and all, but tonight they came and got me and asked me to come over to the sanctuary. I thought nothing of this. With as many children as we've had you never know when you might need an extra hand, so I went without question. I got over there and met the lady that is going to Afghanistan, who is a medic by the way and already has a brother and fiance over there, and chatted with here for a while. We had a nice little chat and then they started the closing of the night. The next thing I know they are letting me know that they have a present for Jacob. Several boxes and letters for him. TONS of letters saying thank you. Then they proceeded to say thank you to me. This, of course, made me cry in a very public forum, which I hate to do. It was touching all the same and it will be a nice pick-me-up for Jacob when that stuff gets there. I saw a lot of goodies in those boxes. After they dismissed the kids, another man (we'll call him D) took some pictures of Caleb playing and of me to put on facebook for Jacob. As we are heading home Caleb was singing away in the back to "Cheeseburger in Paradise" and "In the Summertime" and generally having a blast. When we turned onto our road he started crying. I don't mean little whiny cries, but full on bawling. I had no idea what was wrong, but when I parked the car I found out. Caleb was crying because he thought we were going to get daddy and we just went home. :( What a disappointment that was! I have never felt so horrible! I cried the whole time I was getting him ready for bed. Apparently all of the mention of his daddy made Caleb want him. I am still crying. Poor baby. I know that tomorrow he will be all happy again and it will be like this never happened, but I won't soon be forgetting it.
I don't dare tell Jacob about this because it would break his heart to know he is missed like that by his little man, but I had to share the sweetness that is a child's love for his father. People assume he doesn't notice anymore because he is young and children that young usually forget people they don't see for a while. This doesn't apply to parental figures. Jacob was Caleb's favorite playmate and he apparently has forgotten nothing. Please pray for me. I have been a bit emotional the past couple of weeks and this really set me off. I've got to get it together again. Also pray for this young woman heading off into a battlefield to help those who are injured and of course the rest of our soldiers and their families!

So far...

I am deeply sorry for not keeping you all posted the way I should have. I will now attempt to play catch-up! So, Jacob is safely in his new location and is for the most part bored out of his mind! He has been on a couple convoys to outlying posts, but for the most part he has stayed put and is about to loose his mind I think. I am sure that most of you know that they did indeed loose three guys a while back and that has trouble Jacob a bit. He happened to know them and while any loss is a terrible blow, knowing them must be so much worse. I don't know from personal experience and I hope never to know that kind of loss. The loss of a comrade. Other than this, nothing much has been going on. We, of course, are coming up on Father's Day which will feel a little empty, but we will get through that too. I told you there wasn't much going on. Seriously, I talk to him online every day and use the webcams occasionally and still I haven't much to tell you. It is incredibly nice to hear from him on a mostly regular basis though. Again, I apologize for neglecting my blog and I will attempt to be less sporadic about it from now on. Thank you for all of your support and please continue to pray for our soldiers and the families of those that we lost!

Much delayed!

I know I had promised to explain the excitement over Jacob's promotion after I told you about it in the last post. I am sorry it has taken me so long to get to do this. I have been busy and a procrastinator all at the same time. Not a good combination I know, but hey, this is me!
As I have explained before, Jacob has been gone a great deal of the past year. Part of this time he was going to a few schools that were necessary for his promotion to Staff Sergeant. My excitement was a combination of the typical pride in all that my husband is and all of his accomplishments and elation that all of that extra sacrifice on both of our parts finally paid off. He has been waiting ever so patiently for this. Well, patient for Jacob anyway, and now it has finally come and he is Staff Sergeant Brown! Yay! I am so proud of him and all that he has accomplished in his chosen career. I know that I had nothing to do with his getting the promotion, but I was ecstatic when he called and told me! (as you may have noticed in my last post!)
I haven't actually talked to him since he called to tell me about the promotion being official and it is killing me. For all of the technology nothing can make up for the sound of his voice. Instant messenger chats just don't bring with them that sense of comfort that a phone call does. Still, it could be worse and I am well aware of that and I am trying to use that to keep myself sane. I just miss him! I did feel better after a day of relaxation, getting my hair cut, and chatting with my sister-in-law this afternoon. Hopefully I will talk to Jacob soon. I will continue to keep you posted on how he is doing and try to be more regular with my entries. As always please keep our soldiers in your prayers!

Promoted finally!!!

I don't have a lot of time right now to go into detail, but I will try to elaborate after my cousin's graduation party tonight! As of today Jacob is now a Staff Sergeant! I am thrilled for him in so many ways! Again, I will try to elaborate for you tonight after I get home. I just couldn't wait to share the good news!

Waiting... bored...snake!!!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I really just haven't had much to say. There is nothing going on and I haven't really felt inspired to share anything going on in my life that is deployment related because frankly...I'm bored!!! Jacob is still getting ready to move to another location which will be good in some ways, that is if everything he has heard so far is true. He is supposed to have his own room and internet! I'm not holding my breath, but that would be really nice. As for myself and Caleb, we are just bored. Days come and days go and its the same thing just in a different order sometimes.
I do want to share what a great neighbor I have for a moment though. For those of you who don't know, there are two things I really loathe and that give me the willies, snakes and spiders. The spiders I can take care of, but snakes... yuck! *gag* I just don't do snakes! My neighbor, sweetheart that he is, was in my back yard yesterday to crank my hubby's bike and let it run for a bit when he saw a snake lying next to the air conditioning unit. He called me to ask if I knew it was there because it was dead! Of course, I had no clue the slithering freak was dead in my yard and promptly went out there to see what he was talking about. He asked if I had killed it and of course, I said no and he went and got a big rake and took it out in the woods for me. *shiver* We never figured out what happened to it. I guess it just got old or something, it was pretty big, well it was really big actually. I don't think I have ever seen a chicken snake get quite that long. I am so glad he took care of that for me! I would have gagged and shivered out of my skin by the time I got it out of my yard. Then, he proceeded to take my trash off just because he was over there and it was already in my truck! See? I have been blessed with good neighbors all around, but this one is especially helpful. This is the same one that cuts our grass too!
Well, that is all for now. Please continue to pray for all of our soldiers!

On the move again.

So it looks like Jacob is going to be leaving Jalalabad for a while. I don't know yet where he is going, but I can tell you he isn't too pleased about it. He likes to settle in and he still hasn't really gotten to do that and they are moving him yet again. Bless him! I can't imagine living in temporary quarters for as long as those guys do. I think I would feel the same way Jacob does. If I had to live in a little space with all of my transportable belongings I too would want to be able to settle in for a little while at least. On the upside, he heard tale that there is internet in the rooms where he is headed so yay! Of course, that could all just be rumor and no fact as well. We will see. Other than that he is doing well and just wants to come home. As always, keep our soldiers in your prayers!

Tea?!

So I talked to Jacob just a little while ago online, which is always nice, and he told me something that I just have a hard time picturing. For those of you who don't know Jacob well, this will not be nearly so funny and strange as it is for those of us who do. We were just chatting away about inconsequential things when he randomly tells me had tea this morning with some Afghans! Jacob had tea, hot tea, chai tea. It is weird! I can't picture Jacob ever sitting and drinking hot tea of any kind, but the mental image that comes with this is beyond weird. It's like something from the Twilight Zone!!! I understand why he did it mind you. I wouldn't want to offend them either, but still the mental picture is just beyond me! Just when I think I know the man he goes and surprises me. On top of that I asked if he would sit and have a cuppa with me one day and he said sure if it offends you for me not to! I think he is some kind of pod person and not really Jacob at all. lol! Anyway, I just thought I would share that little anecdote with all of you.
On a different note, those four soldiers I mentioned in the previous blog are apparently going to be just fine. There was a note posted on the 1-108th facebook page letting us know what was going on. Apparently broken bones and lacerations are the extent of the damage. No, I am not saying that this isn't bad. I imagine the men suffering broken bones are not feeling all that great and the lacerations can't be feeling all that great either, but this could have been much, much worse. Permanent damage worse or well, let's just leave it at worse and not go there. Please keep these men and their families, as well as all of the others in your prayers. Thank you!

Complacency shatters.

I have gotten a little too comfortable lately I think. Jacob is always so blase' when we talk and so unconcerned and I think that it has been rubbing off. I am not saying that I want to run around worried and paranoid, I am simply saying that I have grown complacent and that isn't always a good thing. That false sense of security. I know in my head that Jacob is living in a dangerous world and I know that something could happen to him, but sometimes that slips away and becomes nothing more than words instead of reality. Nobody start panicking right now. Jacob is fine. He had just told me earlier that there was some incident with an IED sometime earlier and it freaked me out. I, of course, didn't let him know this, but I was a little shocked and terrified he was going to tell me that somebody I know was hurt or worse. Every one is fine by the way. Well, there is no permanent damage done in any case, or so he said. I don't have any other specifics and am not likely to, so don't ask. If you know a military family involved in this, don't call checking on them. If anything happens we know first and we will call people when we are ready. Personal coping comes first. Anyway, the point I was making was that it took me by surprise and scared me! I find myself suddenly reminded that something could go wrong and my husbands number could be up. That is not a pleasant realization to come to...again. I made peace with that during the last deployment and before he left again this time, but to have it brought to the fore that way when I had myself all complacent and relaxed is jarring. I can pray and you can pray and the military can train those men every day until the end of time and it means nothing against the will of God. So now I have to pray that his will is for my love to come through unscathed. This has been a very humbling thing for me. So now I ask for your prayers for myself as well as our soldiers. I can cope. That isn't the issue. I just need some peace, just a small measure of it. I usually do pretty well with that, but it is not to be today. Not on my own anyway.
I have kickboxing later though so that will help! lol!

This is what happens.

This is what happens when I am left with time on my hands. I got bored and started playing with some programs on my computer and started making a video with pictures of Jacob and then moved on to include pictures of Jacob and Caleb and Jacob and me. I had to go back an cut down on the pictures when I got done uploading because there were simply too many of them. I, of course, was too incompetent to get it online and so I gave up. My sweet sister-in-law bailed me out by telling me about onetruemedia.com and I went on there to try again. Success! I have finally finished it and I am fairly proud of it. I think I did well for a first time video maker! Anyway, I thought I would share it on here as well as facebook. The songs by the way are by Iron & Wine. There are three songs because I had so many freaking pictures and it took that many to get through them. I used "Love and Some Verses" "Such Great Heights" and "Cinder and Smoke." I have been kind of hung up on a couple of musicians lately and this happens to be one of them and it was more appropriate than The Buzzcocks so that is why I chose this music. In case you were wondering. Anyway, enough of my rambling. Here is the somewhat lengthy video. Let me know what you think! (You have to click on the thumbnail by the way and it will take you to another site to watch it!)

Jacob

Passing time and exhaustion.

It would seem that all of my nights of not sleeping well or very long are catching up with me. I have been so sleepy these past few days! I went to bed early Wednesday night! I can't remember the last time I went to bed before 12 and was actually able to go to sleep. It probably doesn't help that i try to stay pretty busy during the day as well and I'm slowly exhausting myself. I think I am getting a routine going now though so maybe I will continue to sleep well. I didn't go to bed at a decent time last night, but my sister was over and we stayed up way too late watching movies. She makes a point of coming over and spending the night once a week and we play on the computer and watch movies. This is loads of fun let me tell you. We crack each other up!
As far as a Jacob update goes, he is still in Kabul, but he should be heading back to Jalalabad very shortly and I will be sure to let you know when he gets safely back there. He seems ready to be shod of Kabul. lol! He has been out in the sun all day and when he called me earlier he sounded so tired. We all know that the sun saps the energy right out of you and I just can't imagine running around in all of that gear in the sun and not being tired. Add the sun to wearing all of that gear and you are bound to be worn out when the day is done. He couldn't stop yawning and I almost felt bad that he had taken the time he could be sleeping to call me...almost. I can't really feel bad because I got to hear his voice and there is nothing I would trade for that. Well, that is all for now! As always keep our soldiers in your prayers!

Convoy!

I just got off of the phone with Jacob. He was about to go to sleep. Apparently he has to get up early in the morning and head out on some long convoy. He didn't say where he was going, just that it would be several days. He thinks he might be able to call me tomorrow, but isn't sure. I had a hard time hearing him today for some reason. It was like he was down a tunnel or something and there was a delay so the conversation could get a little jumbled. Needless to say we didn't talk about much. Still it was nice to hear his voice and he seems to be doing fine, so I am content to wait possibly days to talk to him again. Well, not content really, but I'll be fine anyway. I'm not sure how he feels about this convoy. He seems eager to break up the boredom of his routine. I'm not sure how I feel about that. lol! Still, I know he has all of the training he needs and more prayers covering him than I think he realizes. I just have to have faith. That is all for now. I just wanted you all to have the latest. As always, keep them, our soldiers, in your prayers!

Wired

So as I read April's photography blog a little while ago I started thinking about the many different avenues are available to Jacob and I so that we can stay in touch. Make no mistake, there is never enough contact and none of it can make up for his not being here, but this could be a whole lot worse. I came to the realization that I might need to find AA for technology addicts. I have two instant messengers, skype, a webcam that can be used with one of my other instant messengers as well as skype, facebook, email of course, and a cell phone. Now this may not sound too terrible since a lot of people have the same things, but it is my use of them that is a little crazy. If I am home the computer is on, I am signed onto everything, facebook included. I need help. I am pitiful and yet, completely unrepentant. I will stay addicted to this stuff until I get my sweetheart back home. Then, one of my loving family members or friends can try to make me see reason! lol! Anyway I just wanted to share what a modern day deployment will do to a person! Good grief! I just came to this realization a little while ago! It is a little humiliating.
As for Jacob I haven't heard from him today. I am sure he is fine. He did call me yesterday morning and tell me happy mother's day and talked to me for a few minutes. We cut it short so that he would have time to call and talk to his mom. It would be kind of rude not to! So mother's day was nice, but over now. Now I have to think about father's day and what to send a daddy who really has no use for the more common father's day presents and would prefer a 12 pack of Newcastle to all of those anyway, but can't have that since he is in Afghanistan. Any suggestions would be helpful. As always keep our soldiers in your prayers!

Always early. Undeniably sweet!

I have had a pretty busy day today. I got up and fed myself and Caleb and started getting ready to go to town. I had to go to the grocery store and get some snacks to take to a meet and greet at the armory. Apparently going to the grocery store on the day before Mother's Day is a bigger mistake than I had realized. I thought I would never escape that place! UGH!!! I went from there to the armory where I had a pretty good time. Even though I don't feel that I really learned anything informative in the meeting I had a great time talking to the girls. It is nice beyond words to get together with people who are walking a similar path in life. We may not all have the same experiences and lead the same day-to-day lives, but we all have a deployed loved one in common and it is so comforting to know that there are those who understand exactly how scary and lonely that can be.
So, after this Caleb was exhausted and I was kind of worn out so we headed home. Caleb fell asleep on the way home so I had to haul his dead weight into the house to put him to bed. As I approached the door I noticed the big box on the steps, but it didn't really register for a moment. Then I did the double take and realized that this was a very familiar box from 1800flowers.com. I have gotten several arrangements of flowers from my sweetheart over the past few years. More particularly when he is away from home on a special occasion. He can't always call and he can't always get me something for the occasion, but he always does his best to get me flowers... always a day early. He is always worried they will arrive late so he makes a point of ordering them to come a day early. This is how I know he loves me. He does such undeniably sweet things so that I know he remembers what day it is and he makes sure that I know he isn't going to let the day pass unmarked, even if he has to have the flowers sent early... I will not be forgotten! So in my kitchen in this remarkably girly pink vase, sit 18 roses of pink and white! I almost fell apart right there on the porch. I know he remembers, but these sweet little gestures really get to me. I love that man! It is beyond me how I managed to be blessed so!
As always please keep us and all of our soldiers in your prayers!

How its been.

So I haven't updated you lately. Sorry. I have been neglecting my blogs. Jacob is now in a place called Jalalabad. I completely cracked up when he told me this. It just sounds funny. I think it sounds like something that would come out of Willy Wonka's mouth. He said that it is not at all what he expected. There are trees and these little monkeys. That is about all I know so far.
I have been trying to stay busy here and I've succeeded fairly well. I have also made myself a new military girlfriend. A friend of Jacob's fiance and I have been chatting. It is nice to talk to some one who understands and I think she feels the same, especially since this is the first time she has been through a deployment. I am doing my best to reassure her.
I am also getting a once a week mommy day. My sweet little boy goes home with my mom once a week after we go to the gym. It is so nice. I love my little angel face, but it is obvious that we are starting to wear on one another after months of it just being the two of us here. It became especially obvious last night when he didn't want to come back home with me. Needless to say he spent the night with his Mimi. I had mixed emotions about this. I enjoy my alone time, really I do. I get so little of it. On the other hand my child rarely chooses some one else over me. It kind of hurt when he cried and clung to my mother because I was trying to get him to take him home. Like I said, it is quite obvious we are wearing on one another. He was eager to see me this morning though, so I feel a little better about that. He still didn't want to come home with me though. I think he would have been perfectly content to spend another day with his Mimi. He misses his daddy too. It is so adorable and a little heartbreaking how often he comes up to me and says something undecipherable about daddy and then proceeds to tell me that his daddy is at work. He will climb up onto my lap when I am at the computer and ask to see pictures of his daddy. I know that Jacob was worried that Caleb would forget him since he is so young, but I think it is safe to say that this will not be an issue. I will keep showing him pictures of his daddy and if Jacob calls when Caleb is around I will make sure he gets to talk to him. I keep hoping that we will get to use the webcam when Caleb is awake. I think that would be a treat for both of them. I am trying to be patient.
As always I miss my sweetheart deeply and am eagerly awaiting his return. Please keep him and all of our soldiers in your thoughts and prayers!

The pending uncertainty.

So my sweetheart called this morning to talk to me and let me know that he would try to call me one more time before he left where he is now. I like where he is now, well not really, but it is worlds better that other places he could be. Not only is he leaving sometime so, but he doesn't know when he will be able to call or if he will even have the internet. His exact phrasing was "I won't be able to talk to you for a while." That does not give me the warm fuzzies. I like routine, for those of you who don't know me well. I don't mean a strict schedule, but a series of events that happen on a regular basis are necessary to my happiness. Now I have made a serious mistake in including phone calls from Jacob every other day or so into that routine. Big mistake. I suppose I'll get past it. I have to. It just sucks that I'm about to loose the certainty of internet and phones. I am such a wuss.
As for Jacob, he seems to be doing fine. He said it has rained a lot lately though. He hasn't been on the internet the past couple of days because of this rain. Apparently he didn't think it would be too healthy for his laptop to be out in the rain and he has to walk a ways to get to the place he goes to get online. Much as I hated not getting to talk to him the past couple of nights I think this was probably wise. That is all for now. Please continue to keep all of our soldiers in your prayers and may you be blessed.

4 years today.

So I am starting my new blog on a very special day for me. Four years ago today I married the man I love more than anyone else on this earth and I have never looked back. Things have been far from easy, but I would change nothing. He is mine and I am his and we have made it through so much already. Our first year of marriage we spent apart, except for the first week and and a couple of weeks in the middle there. Deployment will, if nothing else, test the strenght of a couple's devotion. We made it through that and on top of a deployment we got pregnant when Jacob came home from leave and faced yet another challenge... parenthood. I imagine the prospect of becoming a parent is a terrifying and equally exhilarating experience for anyone, but I was sick with fear at the start. Sure, I had been with Jacob for years before we got married, but our marriage was still so new and we had spent virtually no time together since tying the knot. I don't think terror is a strong enough word actually. I got past that soon enough though. Jacob's excitement was infectious! So, he came home several months later to an obviously pregnant wife. This was not how I had pictured welcoming him home when he left for Iraq. Still, I don't think I could have cared less when I finally got to put my puffy, swollen hands on him again. We quickly found a house and shortly thereafter welcomed our sweet little Caleb into the world, a little over a month too early. He was so small, only 4 lbs. and 11 oz. The fear came back, only magnified a hundred times over. Despite and early birth and a few minor scares we took our little miracle home quickly and began building a family. I never knew what people were talking about when they spoke of a mother's love. I do now. There is nothing like it. I simply haven't the words. Jacob, Caleb, and I have slowly grown into a happy, not perfect, family over the past couple of years. I have come to love my husband more than I thought humanly possible. I sometimes wonder how my love for him could possibly grow and more, but I know that it will. I wonder what our love will be in another 20 years? How will I possibly contain it?
So we grew closer and then came the day I knew would come, but didn't want to acknowledge. We had started talking about when we would like to have another baby, hopefully a girl. I should have seen it coming. Complacency will lull you that way though. He came home and quietly went about changing out of his uniform as was his way. I knew he was unusually quiet, but really, he gets that way sometimes and I try to let him be. Again, I should have known. He told me he was going to deploy to Afghanistan. I shouldn't have been surprised, really I shouldn't have. I know what he does for a living and the price tag that comes with being married to this man. So it began.
The months upon months of training, the emotional bracing (on both sides), and in addition to this he had a few schools to go to. When people hear some one is deploying they think it is just the 12-15 months you hear about on the news. It is so much longer! They think when they hear somebody is in the National Guard that it must be easier. It isn't! My sweetheart in the Training NCO for his company and, bless him, it stressed him out in a way he never let others know about. In July of 08 he had AT and was gone for 3 weeks. He was home briefly after that and then off to school, the home and gone to school again. On and on it went. He finally came home, finished with school and the training began for every man and woman who would be deploying. July to April and I had already seen so little of my love. Poor Caleb was so confused to begin with. Just when he was used to kissing his daddy goodnight he would be gone and the crying at bedtime started. When he finally got used to daddy not being there, daddy would be back again. I don't know who had a harder time with this, me, Jacob, or Caleb. Caleb has finally gotten used to this erratic way of life. So much so that when Jacob came home the last time he didn't hesitate to run and hug his daddy and he didn't give me any trouble when he was gone again. This makes me both happy and sad.
I had thought that saying goodbye this time would be easier. It wasn't. It was harder than I believed possible. I hadn't realized how I had come to rely on Jacob's presence in my life. No matter his disposition from day to day he is the constant in my life and he keeps me sane while making me crazy at the same time. I don't worry overmuch. It is neither productive or healthy. Sure, I worry, but I keep it on the back burner and pray feverently for his safety and that of all of his comrades. I worry for all of the other soldiers who have become a part of our lives and I have come to care for. These too I pray feverently for. I have a son to raise and I try daily to remind him of his daddy. Not that this is really necessary. He walks around pretending to talk to his daddy on the phone all of the time. Another happy, yet sad at the same time moment. There are so many of those. I dread his 3rd birthday this summer. I don't know how I will hold it together. So all of these things together make this deployment exponentially harder than the last.
Today, May the first, is our 4th wedding anniversary. We have been together for almost 8 years altogether. So much has happened. Hopefully I will get to spend our 5th annivesary together. Celebrating an anniversary alone is a rather disheartening affair, but it is part of the military wife package and I will survive it. Many have before me and many more will after. This is the life I chose and given the opportunity, I wouldn't choose any differently. I love him. It is no picnic, but every moment spent with him is worth every moment I have to sacrifice away from him. In a little less than a year I'm sure I will be ready to explode with the loneliness of having him away so long, but it will be worth every moment to have him back in my arms and to look into his gloriously blue eyes again. We will be a whole family again and that is all that matters. I love my life, obstacles and all. I love my husband. There is no distance or amount of time that will change that. I am his. This is what it takes to be his and I willingly do my duty right along with him. I serve here. He serves there. Happy Anniversary to us!